I don't want to live, but I don't want to die

"I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm too afraid to die."I typed this into Google a year ago, unsure of what I meant. 

I didn’t want to be alive, but I didn’t want to die either.I felt selfish and wondered if I was being dramatic or disrespectful to those who were truly suicidal. But I pressed enter, desperate for answers, and found many others asking the same question.“I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to exist,” read one.Suddenly, I realized I wasn’t alone.

Many people felt the same way, and this brought me some comfort.Help is availableIf you or someone you know is considering suicide, reach out to the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. It’s a national network providing free, confidential support.

Despite this realization, I still felt distant and disconnected. My life was on autopilot—daily routines became mechanical, and I was trapped in a toxic relationship, deeply depressed.I began questioning the point of living if I didn’t feel alive. Suicidal thoughts plagued me, but fear of death held me back.Questions like “What if I regret it?” and “What about my loved ones?” kept me from acting.

These doubts led me to realize I didn’t truly want to die. I held on to that uncertainty, believing there was hope for better days.It wasn’t easy. I had been suffering from severe anxiety, PTSD, and daily panic attacks. Eventually, I became numb, which felt worse than intense emotions. My life felt worthless, so I turned to Google for answers.I found that many people understood what it was like to not want to exist but also not want to die. This gave me hope that if they could hold on, so could I.

Over time, I realized I was merely existing because I was stuck in a miserable, repetitive life. With therapy and the end of my toxic relationship, I began to feel alive again.Life became less predictable and more exciting. Though I still have bad days, knowing I got through that dark time gives me the strength to keep going.Looking back, I’m glad I searched that question. I’m glad I realized I wasn’t alone and trusted that small doubt. It led me to a life I’m now happy to live.

If you found yourself here through a search or a timely headline, know this: No matter how awful you feel, you’re not alone. Things can and do get better. Hold on to that doubt—it’s there to remind you that your life isn’t over yet.